The relationship between intended parents and their gestational carrier is special. Intended parents are trusting their gestational carriers to help them build the family of their dreams. Yet this relationship might be fraught with emotion. Intended parents might feel loss or frustration, especially if they didn’t anticipate going down the pathway of surrogacy. There are no tried-and-true playbooks for navigating the gestational carrier relationship. However, there are ways to set up your relationship with your gestational carrier for success from the outset. Brittney Sobel, a surrogacy and family law attorney and the founder of It Is Sloane, shares her advice for forging a healthy relationship with your gestational carrier, based on her experiences advising intended parents as well as her own journey with welcoming her daughter via gestational surrogacy.
1. Make sure you're on the same page about how to navigate difficult decisions.
Before agreeing to work together, Brittney recommends that you and your gestational carrier discuss how you would handle challenging scenarios. While most pregnancies result in complication-free, healthy births, intended parents and gestational carriers need to think about the rarer, more painful situations. Brittney specifies, “I recommend that clients discuss what their gestational carrier’s view is on fetal reduction (or selective reduction) and termination of the pregnancy. Under what circumstances would the gestational carrier terminate, if any at all? That is a huge contractual term and a huge moral consideration.” It’s easier to have these conversations before the pregnancy in hypothetical terms.
Brittney understands these unlikely but devastating situations firsthand. She shares, “We transferred two embryos with the hopes of being pregnant with twins”, she explains. “The transfer was successful, so we were pregnant with twins, and I was elated. And then, in a very rare turn of events, one of the embryos split, and our gestational carrier was pregnant with triplets in a medically complicated and very dangerous pregnancy.” Her medical providers made a difficult recommendation, since, “the safety of the pregnancy required a fetal reduction, unfortunately, from three fetuses to one.”
Brittney and her gestational carrier soon ran into conflict: “We had discussed reduction before entering into the agreement. We seemed to have been aligned that if fetal reduction was medically necessary, our gestational carrier would agree to reduce.” Despite these initial conversations, “when push came to shove, our gestational carrier changed her mind.” Ultimately, Brittney and her gestational carrier were able to agree upon how they should handle the pregnancy. Brittney shares, “We were able to get her to see the medical perspective, and that it would pose a risk to her health, as well as our unborn children. So she did end up going through with the reduction, but that was a harrowing experience that I don't want anyone else to experience.”
It can be helpful to go through these conversations with a third party with professional expertise, like a lawyer or counselor. Professionals can walk you through your options to decide what is right for you. Intended parents should feel comfortable honestly discussing their views and concerns with their professional team, as Brittney reassures, “I always say that my office is judgment-free.”
2. Be upfront about the level of communication you’d prefer during and after the pregnancy.
Setting expectations on the cadence and level of communication from the outset can save headache in the long run. “You want to set those expectations for communication from the get-go,” Brittney explains. “That way, there are no misunderstandings, and if there are, you can easily resolve them.” Brittney encourages intended parents to consider, “Does your gestational carrier want to be in touch regularly throughout the pregnancy? Do you want to be in touch regularly throughout the pregnancy? What does being in touch look like to you? Do you want to attend doctor's appointments and visits in person or virtually?” Intended parents and gestational carriers shouldn’t assume that they want the same type of relationship.
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to these questions, as Brittney clarifies, “I don't make a recommendation as to communication because it's so personal. People have different reasons for wanting minimal communication. Maybe they're international intended parents and there's a big time difference, or there's a language barrier that prevents them from having effective daily or even monthly communication. And then there are people who want to be at every single doctor's appointment in-person, in a way holding the gestational carrier's hand to get that connection.” Brittney discusses how the carrier’s expectations of communication could come into conflict with the intended parents as, “She could be entering into this journey with the mindset of, ‘I really need the emotional support from my intended parents.’ However, it could be painful for the intended parents to be present or to have so much communication with a gestational carrier if surrogacy was their last resort.”
Intended parents should also envision their relationship with their gestational carrier after the pregnancy. Brittney describes the range of relationships she sees from her work: “I have some clients who invite their gestational carrier to their child's birthday parties. And then I have others who say, ‘After the child is born, I really don't want to have much of a relationship at all.’ And either of those situations is totally fine.”
Intended parents need to consider what type of relationship makes the most sense for them so they can find a gestational carrier who has similar expectations. Brittney reassures that different paths are fine as, “There's no right or wrong way to communicate throughout the journey. It's what works best for both the intended parents and the gestational carrier.”
3. When it comes to resolving conflicts, try to see the big picture.
Gestational carriers have a deeply emotional and personal responsibility. It’s understandable that the intended parents expect a lot. Brittney empathizes with intended parents’ concerns, explaining, “I have clients who feel that they're giving up so much control in the surrogacy process, and they are right. When you embark on a surrogacy journey, you're taking a leap of faith. You don't know if it's going to work, and you have to relinquish a lot of control. You are placing all of your faith in this stranger's hands to carry your child in a safe way.”
But, sometimes these high expectations can cause friction. When intended parents want to outline potentially burdensome responsibilities for their gestational carrier, Brittney suggests that the intended parents try to put themselves in their surrogate’s shoes: “First, I ask the intended parents how they would feel if the roles were reversed, to imagine if someone said, ‘I want you to eat this specific diet, and I want a diary of everything that you've eaten this week. And I want you to exercise on these dates.’ Is it worth souring the relationship with the gestational carrier at the very outset of the journey?” Brittney advises her clients to think about the long term consequences of these requests, explaining, “You have to weigh the pros and cons of what you're asking of the gestational carrier and whether that's going to bode well for a healthy relationship during the pregnancy and even beyond.”
Intended parents can include these expectations in their gestational carrier agreements in lifestyle clauses. Brittney cautions, “We can put language into the agreement, but they're aspirational clauses. They're not legally binding or enforceable.” She instead recommends that intended parents consider their gestational carrier’s existing lifestyle before deciding to work together. “This is part of the process of feeling out a potential gestational carrier,” she elaborates. “Is this person living a relatively healthy lifestyle? Is that enough for you? If not, maybe it's worth exploring some other gestational carriers.”
There is no playbook for the intended parent and gestational carrier relationship- but that means you get to create the kind of relationship you want, unique to your family. Taking time to reflect on your needs and what you want for your family can help you create the experience that is right for you.
